the long and the short of it

Last night, I lost it. I went ape on my three year old. There was yelling, there was crying, in fact there was screaming bloody murder as my mother would say.

Seth has been waking up all hours of the night and refuses to go back to bed. We have tried tucking him in multiple times, laying with him (for hours!), music, audiobooks, confiscating toys, lost privileges, you name it. We are desperate to keep him quiet and in his room. I expect Eli, the infant, to be waking up all hours of the night, even being wide awake due to his lack of rhythm as of yet. But my three year old is the one waking up my infant with his screaming and temper tantrums in the night.

Last night it went like this. Before midnight Seth had two night terrors lets call them for lack of any other term. He is screaming, crying, failing arms and legs, talking nonsensically, and is really not awake but most certainly waking everyone else up. (I haven't asked the neighbors for fear they are hearing it too.) Then at 1 am this morning he starts yelling for mom. I enter his room ask him what he needs. He tells me he can't sleep. This is where is all starts.

First it is, "I can't sleep." Then we move to, "I can't stay in my bed." Then "I can't wait until morning." or "It's too long." or "How long is it until morning?" Then it is this and that and the other thing. Next thing you know you have been arguing with a child and giving consequences for two hours!

At three in the morning I found myself physically holding his door closed so he didn't have the choice but to stay in his room. Then he pulls the "I have to pee" card. I was so tired and so incensed that I actually heard myself tell him to pee in his pajamas. Yeah, it was bad.

I hate to admit this, but it was the end. I opened the door and screamed at him. I told him I couldn't wait for morning to get sleep and who knows what else fell out of my mouth. I was pissed off! My husband came and pulled me to my feet and sent me upstairs to the spare bedroom. I took Eli and my pillow and we were gone. Away from the noise. (Of course I still had to get an upset Eli back to sleep but that seemed easy in comparison to what I had just been through.)

I slept fitfully off and on caring for Eli until my husband came to wake me for the day. It was all to soon of course. The night once again, too short. Two hours of sleep does not give you enough to even make it worth your while. Honestly I might as well just give up on sleep altogether. I could finally catch up on my "To Do" list.

Motherhood has its ups and downs friends. Whether you are too ashamed to admit it or not. You have had those days, those long and those short nights. You find the end of your rope and somehow you have to make the rope longer. We have dealt with Seth's sleep issues for over a week now. On top of having an infant waking every three hours to eat I am way past exhausted. I keep trying to make my rope longer but I can't anymore.

God has been silent on this one so I know He is teaching me something. I know last night I failed miserably. He was not proud. I certainly am not proud. But I must move on.

God please help me be the mother you made me to be...lengthen the rope but don't let me hang myself with it.